And the Other Shoe Drops.....

So I spoke to my agency yesterday, after they received my desperate email of "What is going on..??" We are now quickly approaching three (3) months since referral and still no travel dates for trip one. I was frustrated, sleepless, anxious and frankly...worried. Something just didn't feel right. So when Michalina called Joe and I around 5pm, we had our feelings confirmed. She said she also felt that something was not right and that this delay was not characteristic of Ekaterinburg. If this was a few other regions, it would not be worrying her, but this was indeed raising a red flag for her. She had been on the phone with our contact in Ekat for weeks now and was growing as anxious and upset as we were. She reiterated to them that this is people's emotions we are dealing with, and I was happy to see that she clearly understood how we were feeling. Ekat Min. of Ed was just blowing off our facilitator in Ekat and there was something going on. Our agency and I for that matter, believed that these children may not be available any longer and that they were dragging us on with a delay. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Although Joe and I were ecstatic and cautiously optimistic, we never allowed ourselves to fall in love too much, knowing that the other shoe could drop at any time in the adoption process. All the books and education tell you not to get attached until you are on the plane home with child and visa in hand.
I felt glad that I was not imagining things or being overly cautious, but given my experiences and history...I always wait for the shoe....! So, here we are, maybe back to step one of waiting for our referral. Michalina will speak to Ekat today and frankly, we are both nervous about giving an ultimatum because it could mean more money spent and then a failure in the long run. We have agreed to refuse the referral and move on to another region. Yes it is heart breaking, but also a little bit of a relief as well. The miracle of twins may not have been destined for us, and I probably should have known it was too good to be true. As long as those boys were adopted by a loving caring family, that's what matters, Not that they are coming home with me. I just want to find peace in knowing that they are cared for and not sitting in an orphanage waiting for parents. So, we wait for more updates...a few tears will be shed again, but that's the process I suppose. Joe and I have never faltered in our agreements on any issue and I believe that has made us strong through this whole process. We have tried to keep our emotions out of this decision early on, hard, but necessary for survival. I am glad we have an agency that is understanding, and I can imagine how difficult it was for her to tell us that she had red flag feelings. You never know how PAPs will respond to that. Some blame the agency, some get emotional and end the process, but not Joe and I. For us, it's just another mountain that we climb together and it makes our relationship that much stronger and it will make the end result that much sweeter when it arrives. So, I will leave you all with this last note...."It's not what happens to you that's important, It's what you do about it that counts."

Still Waiting..............

Yes here we are, Happy New Year...right? January 6th and still no word on travel. The twins turned 12 months old already and I haven't even met them. Monday will be two months since we received our referral and the infamous words "We need an answer quickly....". I think this is done just so the PAPs (Potential Adoptive Parents) can get emotion into an already tremendously emotional event. Then to be told "you'll be travelling a few weeks, days....and now ...who knows."
Agencies will always tell you the same thing. "we're working on it." "we're talking to Russia." but the reality is that we don't really know what is happening. PAPs are left in dark to handle their emotions and just wait.
If the wait is this long to MEET the kids, I can only imagine what step two will be like. This part is the frustration of not knowing, not being able to plan, not being able to dream or even talk about what your future might be. It's very frustrating and you feel alone and empty and almost ready to bite off the head of another person that asks "When are you getting your kids??"
It isn't anyone's fault. People care, they ask, they are genuinely concerned and they have no idea what your insides are doing.
As PAPs you feel that someone forgot you and you are left with still nothing. Its heart wrenching. Then let us not forget those who try to "fix" the situation by giving you other options; "so and so was done in 3 months....so and so got their kids from Guatemala, why don't you go there...so and so got their kids from this agency in 6 months..." AHHHHHHHHHHHHH - I know, they are just trying to help, but a small word of advice, this is not the way to help PAPs cope. Just be supportive and offer a hug, not an alternative adoption plan. PAPs that are at this stage of the game have already done months of research, planning and spending BEFORE they got to the referral stage, so changing horses mid race is NOT an option.
And so , we are in the New Year 2010, waiting for who knows how much longer.

Yet Another Update

So I believe its appropriate for me to write this blog entry on December 11...exactly one month from the day we received our referral from Ekat, Russia. More proof of the lighting speed that the Europeans are accustomed to. Now Michalina tells us that our facilitator Olga says that the region is no longer taking people the last 10 days of the year (New Rule that no one is aware of??) and right after our New Year is their holiday until January 7Th. SO, that means they take no one for 3 weeks...not 10 days, but who's counting??
And now we rush around completing our holiday shopping, hoping desperately that we would have gotten a reprieve this year from additional spending by saying we were going to be in Russia...no such luck. But at least we will be with friends and family this holiday, even if its without our children.
So right now it looks like we will be travelling in January...that is until they change that for another unknown reason again. But, I am assured that we WILL travel in January.
So it will be 2 months from the day we received our referral before we even MEET our referral, let alone probably another 6 months before we take them home. Yes, other countries and their governments move at the speed of a thundering heard of turtles. Appreciate America in that we have several judges, facilitators and our government offices continue to operate even in one person's absence. Have a Happy Holiday and A Merry Christmas to all !!

The Doctors...too many to count

So in our initial quest for agencies and countries, we also had researched doctors. Our first and final choice was CHOP- Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. We chose them for their extensive experience in international adoption as well as their close proximity to us for when we came home with our child. We called them when we got our referral and our "limited" medical information. The response time was very quick and efficient. The doctor called us on a Saturday night and spoke to us for over an hour.
After speaking with CHOP with wanted (or should I say needed) a second opinion. Not because their evaluation wasn't good, but because it just made us feel better. So we contacted the University of Minnesota international adoption program and clinic. They also gave a quick and similar response. We decided that when we travel we will take Dr. Oleg Togoyev with us from Moscow to evaluate the children as well. We want to go in with our eyes wide open. This is a very emotional part of the process, especially when you receive a referral for twins. You can't help but chase the dream, but you want to make sure that all turns out well.
Dealing with a small head circumference and a lower IQ is one thing, but dealing with severe FAE or FAS is another. So we need to make sure what we are dealing with before we decide to take these children home with us.
Michalina called yesterday and has received everything and hopefully sometime next week we should have travel dates. Could that change...you bet it can, and so is the life of international adoption with Russia.
So right now we hope and wait...and wait...and wait.. I think this is my big sister testing my patience !! She always knew how impatient I am !!
I can tell also tell you that its hard to walk into stores at Christmas and not want to buy presents and clothes. It's almost impossible to imagine what the wait time after you accept your referral will be like. Many have old me that for Ekaterinburg it could be 3-8 months in between...the courts move at the speed of a thundering herd of turtles. Its beauracracy at its best !! and we thought NJ was bad ! ha!

Accepting the Referral

So Joe and I discussed the options in length and the doctors all had the same concerns for the children, their head circumference. Now there are tons of growth charts out there to evaluate how your child's head should be growing with their weight, height, etc. there are American charts, Russian Charts, Asian Charts, etc..... Search the internet and the huge blogs of information and you will find what you are looking for.
But somewhere deep inside of us something was telling Joe and me to just travel and see these kids. We knew we had to see fore ourselves. We would not be jaded and we would keep an open mind, but we decided to travel and take a doctor from a Moscow Pedatric hospital with us to the orphange. Once we got the orphange we would receive much more extensive medical information and our independant doctor would be able to speak to the orphange doctor. Again, more of an expense, but you need this information in order to fully make an informed decision about your choice. Remember, this is forever - no give backsies.

So now we wait--again. Our dossier was transferred from Tver over to Ekaterinburg and a few documents went missing (go figure), so we had to re do them and get them off to Michalina right away. She wanted our dossier in region by the end of the week fo we could be registered. Once rgistered in your region then Olga, our facilitator in Russia, would work with the orphange on getting us travel dates.

Looks like we might be spending Christmas in Russia.....talk about a white Christmas !

The Referral Came - CHOP speaks

So we waited....and we waited...and Sept and Oct came and went with nothing. It was around November 4th that I finally spoke to Michalina and she said soon.... again.
Then she called on Nov 11th.
When your referral comes, it is a combination of hope, fear, anxiety and excitement all in one. My hands shoke as she gave us the details of our referral. All the books and blogs tell you not to get too attached until after you speak to your doctors. Yeah right, like that could happen. You try to remain calm and businesslike, but your emotions take over and your dreams start again.
We chose CHOP - Children's Hospital of Philadephia International Adoption Clinic as our home pediatric evaluators. They have a great track record and have been handling international adoptions for a long time.
One of the main reasons that you don't want an oordinary pediatrician to view the limited medical information given by Russia is because the medicals are very different in Russia and America. International Adoption doctors have a lot of experience in evaluating children's records from overseas and you want this expertise in your life long decision.
The process is failry easy and they will be the few doctors that will ever respond to you in the evenings, on weekends and at all crazy hours of the day. They email you immediately, talk for a long time with you and are very calm, honest and reassuring.
After speaking with CHOP, we felt we should have one more evaluation, so we chose University of Minnesota's International Adoption Research Center. The great thing about this center is that that are all research doctors who perform these evaluations for free or for a donation. Evaluations done within a week are free, but if you need them in 24-48 hours, the donation ranges from $250 -$500. (reasonable, considering CHOP is $1050). So we got another evaluation and extensive written examines emailed to us.
These we will carry with us when we go to Russia to meet these children.

Now the process is not over-- you now have the opportunity to accept or reject these referrals. If you reject them, then you wait for another one (it doesn't put you back at the end of the line) and if you accept - well - just read on.