The Rollar Coaster Ride of Adoption

Good Morning ! There are so many new updates in just a few days and I am happy to report that these are happy updates. Our Agency Facilitator Michalina and our Ekaterinburg contact Olga, have worked furiously to get answers and they finally did. Apparently the region of Ekat jumped the gun a little bit and they issued these referrals before the children had cleared their national database for international adoption. ( I guess the loved us...yeah right !) . What happens is that children are relinquished from their birth mothers and enter into a national database in Russia. While they are there it works almost similar to our domestic adoption situation from the foster care system. They must remain there for at least 8 months before they can clear the database and then be made available to other countries for adoption. We received our referral when our boys were 11 months old and sometimes it takes a little bit for the Dept. Of Ed. to get on the ball and clear the database. They move like a typical bureaucracy, at the speed of a thundering herd of turtles. So, after prodding and maybe even threats (just kidding) by Olga in country , we find out yesterday that this was the case and that the boys ARE clearing the database this week and are still available for us to adopt ! Olga even personally WENT to the orphanage and confirmed the boys were there, who then added how adorable they were. (as if I thought they wouldn't be :)) ---
So, Since we are going to away Feb 6-13Th we cannot travel or get our Visas until we return and Michalina will get our passports when we get back and immediately get us our visa to travel for trip one ! We are estimating end of Feb or 1st week of March. --Yeah, cause its only minus 25 in Ekat right now and we will have a nice Caribbean tan !
So, I offer one piece of advice to all--research your agency, feel comfortable with them at all times, and put your faith that they will come through eventually. The road to international adoption is not for the light heartened or weak and it takes a strong will and determination to get through it in one piece.
My friends and family have been ultra supportive and I thank all of you for that. Your words, emails and caring have helped us through this and I know that will make it so much sweeter when we come home with our children.
My cousin Joe told me that my footprints poem was his mother's favorite poem. So maybe what happened over the last few days was intervention from Aunt Mary and Marylou who are a little bit tired of Sandy getting beat up down here and they said...NO MORE ! It's a great thought and I say thank you to them for if they did intervene on a higher level, it is appreciated and needed !

Well, now that the initial feelings of receiving a referral have all re-surfaced. The delay was subsiding the excitement and even turned to scepticism at times, but now the smile is back and we shall hope that it stays there for a while.

So until I receive more updates, Thank you !! and I will keep everyone posted with more results and this note " THERE ARE NO GREAT PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES WHICH ORDINARY PEOPLE RISE TO MEET. "

And the Other Shoe Drops.....

So I spoke to my agency yesterday, after they received my desperate email of "What is going on..??" We are now quickly approaching three (3) months since referral and still no travel dates for trip one. I was frustrated, sleepless, anxious and frankly...worried. Something just didn't feel right. So when Michalina called Joe and I around 5pm, we had our feelings confirmed. She said she also felt that something was not right and that this delay was not characteristic of Ekaterinburg. If this was a few other regions, it would not be worrying her, but this was indeed raising a red flag for her. She had been on the phone with our contact in Ekat for weeks now and was growing as anxious and upset as we were. She reiterated to them that this is people's emotions we are dealing with, and I was happy to see that she clearly understood how we were feeling. Ekat Min. of Ed was just blowing off our facilitator in Ekat and there was something going on. Our agency and I for that matter, believed that these children may not be available any longer and that they were dragging us on with a delay. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Although Joe and I were ecstatic and cautiously optimistic, we never allowed ourselves to fall in love too much, knowing that the other shoe could drop at any time in the adoption process. All the books and education tell you not to get attached until you are on the plane home with child and visa in hand.
I felt glad that I was not imagining things or being overly cautious, but given my experiences and history...I always wait for the shoe....! So, here we are, maybe back to step one of waiting for our referral. Michalina will speak to Ekat today and frankly, we are both nervous about giving an ultimatum because it could mean more money spent and then a failure in the long run. We have agreed to refuse the referral and move on to another region. Yes it is heart breaking, but also a little bit of a relief as well. The miracle of twins may not have been destined for us, and I probably should have known it was too good to be true. As long as those boys were adopted by a loving caring family, that's what matters, Not that they are coming home with me. I just want to find peace in knowing that they are cared for and not sitting in an orphanage waiting for parents. So, we wait for more updates...a few tears will be shed again, but that's the process I suppose. Joe and I have never faltered in our agreements on any issue and I believe that has made us strong through this whole process. We have tried to keep our emotions out of this decision early on, hard, but necessary for survival. I am glad we have an agency that is understanding, and I can imagine how difficult it was for her to tell us that she had red flag feelings. You never know how PAPs will respond to that. Some blame the agency, some get emotional and end the process, but not Joe and I. For us, it's just another mountain that we climb together and it makes our relationship that much stronger and it will make the end result that much sweeter when it arrives. So, I will leave you all with this last note...."It's not what happens to you that's important, It's what you do about it that counts."

Still Waiting..............

Yes here we are, Happy New Year...right? January 6th and still no word on travel. The twins turned 12 months old already and I haven't even met them. Monday will be two months since we received our referral and the infamous words "We need an answer quickly....". I think this is done just so the PAPs (Potential Adoptive Parents) can get emotion into an already tremendously emotional event. Then to be told "you'll be travelling a few weeks, days....and now ...who knows."
Agencies will always tell you the same thing. "we're working on it." "we're talking to Russia." but the reality is that we don't really know what is happening. PAPs are left in dark to handle their emotions and just wait.
If the wait is this long to MEET the kids, I can only imagine what step two will be like. This part is the frustration of not knowing, not being able to plan, not being able to dream or even talk about what your future might be. It's very frustrating and you feel alone and empty and almost ready to bite off the head of another person that asks "When are you getting your kids??"
It isn't anyone's fault. People care, they ask, they are genuinely concerned and they have no idea what your insides are doing.
As PAPs you feel that someone forgot you and you are left with still nothing. Its heart wrenching. Then let us not forget those who try to "fix" the situation by giving you other options; "so and so was done in 3 months....so and so got their kids from Guatemala, why don't you go there...so and so got their kids from this agency in 6 months..." AHHHHHHHHHHHHH - I know, they are just trying to help, but a small word of advice, this is not the way to help PAPs cope. Just be supportive and offer a hug, not an alternative adoption plan. PAPs that are at this stage of the game have already done months of research, planning and spending BEFORE they got to the referral stage, so changing horses mid race is NOT an option.
And so , we are in the New Year 2010, waiting for who knows how much longer.

Yet Another Update

So I believe its appropriate for me to write this blog entry on December 11...exactly one month from the day we received our referral from Ekat, Russia. More proof of the lighting speed that the Europeans are accustomed to. Now Michalina tells us that our facilitator Olga says that the region is no longer taking people the last 10 days of the year (New Rule that no one is aware of??) and right after our New Year is their holiday until January 7Th. SO, that means they take no one for 3 weeks...not 10 days, but who's counting??
And now we rush around completing our holiday shopping, hoping desperately that we would have gotten a reprieve this year from additional spending by saying we were going to be in Russia...no such luck. But at least we will be with friends and family this holiday, even if its without our children.
So right now it looks like we will be travelling in January...that is until they change that for another unknown reason again. But, I am assured that we WILL travel in January.
So it will be 2 months from the day we received our referral before we even MEET our referral, let alone probably another 6 months before we take them home. Yes, other countries and their governments move at the speed of a thundering heard of turtles. Appreciate America in that we have several judges, facilitators and our government offices continue to operate even in one person's absence. Have a Happy Holiday and A Merry Christmas to all !!

The Doctors...too many to count

So in our initial quest for agencies and countries, we also had researched doctors. Our first and final choice was CHOP- Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. We chose them for their extensive experience in international adoption as well as their close proximity to us for when we came home with our child. We called them when we got our referral and our "limited" medical information. The response time was very quick and efficient. The doctor called us on a Saturday night and spoke to us for over an hour.
After speaking with CHOP with wanted (or should I say needed) a second opinion. Not because their evaluation wasn't good, but because it just made us feel better. So we contacted the University of Minnesota international adoption program and clinic. They also gave a quick and similar response. We decided that when we travel we will take Dr. Oleg Togoyev with us from Moscow to evaluate the children as well. We want to go in with our eyes wide open. This is a very emotional part of the process, especially when you receive a referral for twins. You can't help but chase the dream, but you want to make sure that all turns out well.
Dealing with a small head circumference and a lower IQ is one thing, but dealing with severe FAE or FAS is another. So we need to make sure what we are dealing with before we decide to take these children home with us.
Michalina called yesterday and has received everything and hopefully sometime next week we should have travel dates. Could that change...you bet it can, and so is the life of international adoption with Russia.
So right now we hope and wait...and wait...and wait.. I think this is my big sister testing my patience !! She always knew how impatient I am !!
I can tell also tell you that its hard to walk into stores at Christmas and not want to buy presents and clothes. It's almost impossible to imagine what the wait time after you accept your referral will be like. Many have old me that for Ekaterinburg it could be 3-8 months in between...the courts move at the speed of a thundering herd of turtles. Its beauracracy at its best !! and we thought NJ was bad ! ha!

Accepting the Referral

So Joe and I discussed the options in length and the doctors all had the same concerns for the children, their head circumference. Now there are tons of growth charts out there to evaluate how your child's head should be growing with their weight, height, etc. there are American charts, Russian Charts, Asian Charts, etc..... Search the internet and the huge blogs of information and you will find what you are looking for.
But somewhere deep inside of us something was telling Joe and me to just travel and see these kids. We knew we had to see fore ourselves. We would not be jaded and we would keep an open mind, but we decided to travel and take a doctor from a Moscow Pedatric hospital with us to the orphange. Once we got the orphange we would receive much more extensive medical information and our independant doctor would be able to speak to the orphange doctor. Again, more of an expense, but you need this information in order to fully make an informed decision about your choice. Remember, this is forever - no give backsies.

So now we wait--again. Our dossier was transferred from Tver over to Ekaterinburg and a few documents went missing (go figure), so we had to re do them and get them off to Michalina right away. She wanted our dossier in region by the end of the week fo we could be registered. Once rgistered in your region then Olga, our facilitator in Russia, would work with the orphange on getting us travel dates.

Looks like we might be spending Christmas in Russia.....talk about a white Christmas !