I'm not quite sure that the boys understood what Easter Sunday was, to them it was a bunch of people handing them eggs and candy. They did seem to really enjoy all this pomp, a trip to the boardwalk and some rides for the first time, dinner with the Grand folks and so on. By next year it will probably all come together for them.
As the Adoptive Parents say, each day does get easier. The boys are adjusting well and fell into their routines and home life quite comfortably. We take our walks, play in the park, and with the warmer weather comes new outings like hiking trails, beach and more boardwalk !
Communication is coming along very well; they understand everything and are beginning to make more and more words and gestures every day. Taking them out by myself is not that difficult, we have our routines, and they follow the rules really well. They love to walk hand in hand to the park or just down the block. I can see the bonding and they love Mommy and Daddy alot.
Jack is especially bonded to my father, Nonno. They are inseparable when we are together ! It is so cute and equally pathetic ! Noah loves everyone, such a happy go lucky kid that doesn't let his sicknesses get him down. He has been feeling much better and the medicines seem to be helping him. The therapists said he is a different kid, and I have to agree.
Holidays should have special meaning, but right now we are just enjoying being a family. As the boys understand more, I believe we will enjoy the holidays more. Teaching them about the traditions and the history of each event. Last week they were 28 months old. Wow ! Seems like we met them just yesterday and we were waiting for our court date daily; and now here we are with our first post placement review scheduled already.
Noah and Jack are thriving, and I can't help but think about all those children that are not being given a chance. It breaks my heart. So much is being done for these boys here in the states that never would have been done in Russia; medically speaking. Noah is not the sick boy they made him out to be. Does he has some medical issues, yes he does, but he is a loving and sweet toddler that just wants to play and be held. He needs attention,, love and commitment. He is eating well now, sleeping well, playing, learning and talking. Things that the Russian judge would have sworn he would never do.
Hopefully someday the path to adoption will get easier and less expensive. There are a lot of kids and parents out there waiting to be joined together. Why do governments stand in their way?
Asia/Europe Continental Border
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
I Know I have been away a long time...........
Wow, It's been a long time it seems since I have had the chance to sit and write about a few things.
Today the boys napped early and I am taking advantage of the sunshine and spring weather to sit and write for a little while.
The days get better and better and the boys are learning fast. Someone told me today that when the twins are four years old, that's when it becomes two kids and not twins. Apparently it is a little easier then ! I wait patiently for that time.
Until then I enjoy what we have. They are bonded very well, contrary to the "specialists" that think I should have boarded my windows and doors for 6 months, ordered take out and not let anyone have contact with me or the boys. If they only knew we actually WENT to Disney World and did not heed the advice that the experience would be so traumatic for the boys.
Don't they look totally traumatized in these pics......
So glad we decided to listen to our own instincts about OUR kids and not all the "specialists" !
Noah, who was not eating for over a month, suddenly began to eat in Disney and has not stopped since.
It is a Magical Place. He must have eaten because he was so traumatized !
The trip did wonders for our bonding, they loved the drive to Florida and staying in a hotel and seeing all the sites.
Now is this for every adopted kid after 3 months, probably not, but I knew that my two could handle it.
Spending 14 waking hours a day with them, I think I know what they can and cannot handle !
They really enjoyed being regular kids and we enjoyed being regular parents too. Wathcing them transform with every activity; like when we went into the pool for the first time.
They did not understand why we were putting them in the water with their clothes on ! It took a few moments and then Jack had the total hang of it. Noah needed a little more reassurance and a float being held by Mom or Dad, but he did great.
Can't wait to see them on the beach in the summer !! Hope Mattie and Jake plan their trip here soon !
Well, I know its been several weeks and some trying moments and I am sure there are still more ahead,
but it is coming along. Every bit of advice that every adoptive parent gives you is correct. They are NEVER wrong, but the doctors and specialists are frequently wrong !
Noah has some procedures scheduled in the coming few weeks, so hope that all goes well.
So far, they are just being normal kids. Testing the boundaries, being defiant, being silly and so on.
Just wish warm weather would come sooner !!
Will post more soon !
Today the boys napped early and I am taking advantage of the sunshine and spring weather to sit and write for a little while.
The days get better and better and the boys are learning fast. Someone told me today that when the twins are four years old, that's when it becomes two kids and not twins. Apparently it is a little easier then ! I wait patiently for that time.
Until then I enjoy what we have. They are bonded very well, contrary to the "specialists" that think I should have boarded my windows and doors for 6 months, ordered take out and not let anyone have contact with me or the boys. If they only knew we actually WENT to Disney World and did not heed the advice that the experience would be so traumatic for the boys.
So glad we decided to listen to our own instincts about OUR kids and not all the "specialists" !
Noah, who was not eating for over a month, suddenly began to eat in Disney and has not stopped since.
It is a Magical Place. He must have eaten because he was so traumatized !
The trip did wonders for our bonding, they loved the drive to Florida and staying in a hotel and seeing all the sites.
Now is this for every adopted kid after 3 months, probably not, but I knew that my two could handle it.
Spending 14 waking hours a day with them, I think I know what they can and cannot handle !
They really enjoyed being regular kids and we enjoyed being regular parents too. Wathcing them transform with every activity; like when we went into the pool for the first time.
They did not understand why we were putting them in the water with their clothes on ! It took a few moments and then Jack had the total hang of it. Noah needed a little more reassurance and a float being held by Mom or Dad, but he did great.
Can't wait to see them on the beach in the summer !! Hope Mattie and Jake plan their trip here soon !
Well, I know its been several weeks and some trying moments and I am sure there are still more ahead,
but it is coming along. Every bit of advice that every adoptive parent gives you is correct. They are NEVER wrong, but the doctors and specialists are frequently wrong !
Noah has some procedures scheduled in the coming few weeks, so hope that all goes well.
So far, they are just being normal kids. Testing the boundaries, being defiant, being silly and so on.
Just wish warm weather would come sooner !!
Will post more soon !
Monday, March 14, 2011
PADS.....Pass it on.....
Sad, Sorry, Depressed But You Don't Tell Anybody - Could it be Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome?
The trip to China was exciting. You stayed in a five-star hotel and even saw fabulous sights like the Great Wall and the palace in Beijing. Your baby was more adorable in person than pictures. You and your husband never felt so thrilled and fulfilled as you held her in your arms on the flight home. Your ten-year quest for a child is finally over, you are a family now and forever. This little one is finally yours!
One month later.
You feel anxious and depressed, but more often, simply overwhelmed. Some mornings you don't get dressed. You don't feel any great love for your child, and you can barely make it through your day. Even your husband doesn't understand. In your deepest, most private moments, you wish you could give your baby back.
Science is just beginning to define "Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome" (PADS), which is not yet a distinct illness recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. PADS can range from a full-blown episode of severe depression that requires hospitalization or just a simple case of the blues that lasts a month or two. The few scientific studies of PADS indicate that over half of adoptive mothers experience it. For example, in 1999 Harriet McCarthy, manager of the Eastern European Adoption Coalition Parent Education and Preparedness, surveyed 165 mothers who had adopted children from Eastern Europe and found that 65% reported post-adoption depression. Other researchers have determined that you are more likely to experience PADS if you adopt from overseas or if your child has special needs.
"PADS is now where post-partum depression in biological mothers was ten years ago," Pamela Kruger, editor of a book by adoptive parents, told the New York Times. "Parents can be blindsided by it. They're expecting... this joyous moment and not expecting to have these feelings."
Doctors often attribute post-partum blues to dramatic hormonal changes that occur after the birth of a baby. However, psychologists often link new mother's depression to the sudden overwhelming demands of an infant and new financial responsibility, as well her loss of professional identity, social networks, and personal freedom. Sometimes depression is simply about not getting enough sleep or time to oneself.
Adoptive mothers experience all these things too. One mother described PADS to author Dr. Karen Foli: "I don't know how you could know how it feels to have somebody so dependent on you at that level 24 hours a day. It's almost like I was suffocating. Like I had someone physically attached to me. I felt awful that this poor little thing had this monster for a mother who wanted to shake her off her leg."
Many adoptive mothers are older and wealthier than typical first moms. They often have established careers and have enjoyed years of freedom from the demands of children. They feel depressed and anxious if they do not "fall in love" with their children immediately. Old negative feelings about miscarriage and infertility often resurface. Adoptive parents who have become friends with their child's birth mothers often feel sorry for their loss and pain - adding to their own depression. Often adoptive parents have been so focused on the goal of getting a child that they did not prepare themselves for caring for a child.
June Bond, a writer for Roots and Wings magazine and the first person to recognize PADS, says that adoptive parents experience a huge letdown within a few weeks after their new child comes home. It is similar to what happens after a wedding, completing a college degree or achieving any other big life goal. "The emotional rush from the attainment of this long-desired goal is exhilarating," she writes. ".Feelings of being 'let down' are common after reaching any major life milestone."
To make matters worse, their child may have problems the new parents did not anticipate. The child may have spent years in an orphanage or foster care, and developed attention-getting or coping behaviors like head-banging, tantrums, inappropriate displays of affection, etc. Even worse, their doctor may diagnose major medical problems like attention-deficit disorder or fetal alcohol syndrome that will require years of special care.
As Bond and other writers have noted, adoptive mothers and fathers often do not feel free to talk about their depression to friends, family or counselors. Those who supported them in their quest to become parents now believe that they are the happiest people in the world. They have attained a higher social status by adopting and becoming parents. Consequently, many sufferers are reluctant to talk about PADS. They may especially avoid counselors at their adoption agency, because they are afraid they may jeopardize the adoption.
If an adopted child develops problems in later childhood or as a teen, parents often look back over their lives to find answers. If they do not understand that PADS is a normal and even predictable crisis, they may feel that they were never good parents from day one and everything is their fault. They do not understand that nearly every new mother or father has feelings of being trapped by their new child, worries whether they did the right thing by having children, and misses the freedom of their youth and life before the demands of parenthood.
Experts like Bond and Foli tell parents who are experiencing post-adoption depression to get involved with other adoptive parents on the Internet. You can safely share your story with others in the same spot. If your depression lasts for more than a few months, seek professional help. If you are going back over your child's past to figure out what went wrong, don't be too hard on yourself. Post-Adoption Depression is a naturally occurring period of becoming parents
----------------------------
I wanted to share the above article with people to spread the word. Adoptive Parents do not get enough understanding for going through the same symptoms as bio moms.
Nothing in the adoption prepares you for any of this, agencies are non existent after the adoption is complete.
Awareness can only be made the extraordinary AP in the world !
The trip to China was exciting. You stayed in a five-star hotel and even saw fabulous sights like the Great Wall and the palace in Beijing. Your baby was more adorable in person than pictures. You and your husband never felt so thrilled and fulfilled as you held her in your arms on the flight home. Your ten-year quest for a child is finally over, you are a family now and forever. This little one is finally yours!
One month later.
You feel anxious and depressed, but more often, simply overwhelmed. Some mornings you don't get dressed. You don't feel any great love for your child, and you can barely make it through your day. Even your husband doesn't understand. In your deepest, most private moments, you wish you could give your baby back.
Science is just beginning to define "Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome" (PADS), which is not yet a distinct illness recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. PADS can range from a full-blown episode of severe depression that requires hospitalization or just a simple case of the blues that lasts a month or two. The few scientific studies of PADS indicate that over half of adoptive mothers experience it. For example, in 1999 Harriet McCarthy, manager of the Eastern European Adoption Coalition Parent Education and Preparedness, surveyed 165 mothers who had adopted children from Eastern Europe and found that 65% reported post-adoption depression. Other researchers have determined that you are more likely to experience PADS if you adopt from overseas or if your child has special needs.
"PADS is now where post-partum depression in biological mothers was ten years ago," Pamela Kruger, editor of a book by adoptive parents, told the New York Times. "Parents can be blindsided by it. They're expecting... this joyous moment and not expecting to have these feelings."
Doctors often attribute post-partum blues to dramatic hormonal changes that occur after the birth of a baby. However, psychologists often link new mother's depression to the sudden overwhelming demands of an infant and new financial responsibility, as well her loss of professional identity, social networks, and personal freedom. Sometimes depression is simply about not getting enough sleep or time to oneself.
Adoptive mothers experience all these things too. One mother described PADS to author Dr. Karen Foli: "I don't know how you could know how it feels to have somebody so dependent on you at that level 24 hours a day. It's almost like I was suffocating. Like I had someone physically attached to me. I felt awful that this poor little thing had this monster for a mother who wanted to shake her off her leg."
Many adoptive mothers are older and wealthier than typical first moms. They often have established careers and have enjoyed years of freedom from the demands of children. They feel depressed and anxious if they do not "fall in love" with their children immediately. Old negative feelings about miscarriage and infertility often resurface. Adoptive parents who have become friends with their child's birth mothers often feel sorry for their loss and pain - adding to their own depression. Often adoptive parents have been so focused on the goal of getting a child that they did not prepare themselves for caring for a child.
June Bond, a writer for Roots and Wings magazine and the first person to recognize PADS, says that adoptive parents experience a huge letdown within a few weeks after their new child comes home. It is similar to what happens after a wedding, completing a college degree or achieving any other big life goal. "The emotional rush from the attainment of this long-desired goal is exhilarating," she writes. ".Feelings of being 'let down' are common after reaching any major life milestone."
To make matters worse, their child may have problems the new parents did not anticipate. The child may have spent years in an orphanage or foster care, and developed attention-getting or coping behaviors like head-banging, tantrums, inappropriate displays of affection, etc. Even worse, their doctor may diagnose major medical problems like attention-deficit disorder or fetal alcohol syndrome that will require years of special care.
As Bond and other writers have noted, adoptive mothers and fathers often do not feel free to talk about their depression to friends, family or counselors. Those who supported them in their quest to become parents now believe that they are the happiest people in the world. They have attained a higher social status by adopting and becoming parents. Consequently, many sufferers are reluctant to talk about PADS. They may especially avoid counselors at their adoption agency, because they are afraid they may jeopardize the adoption.
If an adopted child develops problems in later childhood or as a teen, parents often look back over their lives to find answers. If they do not understand that PADS is a normal and even predictable crisis, they may feel that they were never good parents from day one and everything is their fault. They do not understand that nearly every new mother or father has feelings of being trapped by their new child, worries whether they did the right thing by having children, and misses the freedom of their youth and life before the demands of parenthood.
Experts like Bond and Foli tell parents who are experiencing post-adoption depression to get involved with other adoptive parents on the Internet. You can safely share your story with others in the same spot. If your depression lasts for more than a few months, seek professional help. If you are going back over your child's past to figure out what went wrong, don't be too hard on yourself. Post-Adoption Depression is a naturally occurring period of becoming parents
----------------------------
I wanted to share the above article with people to spread the word. Adoptive Parents do not get enough understanding for going through the same symptoms as bio moms.
Nothing in the adoption prepares you for any of this, agencies are non existent after the adoption is complete.
Awareness can only be made the extraordinary AP in the world !
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Some Good Moments........
So the specialists tell you to log down the good times and not focus on the bad...here are a few great things we have learned and done in the 6 weeks home:
Bath Time is a blast...they love it. Noah was hesitant at first and now it's his favorite time. Jack thinks its fun and even hands me his hands and feet to wash. They especially love when I rinse by pouring the water over their heads !
Brushing our Teeth...or better known as ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (make toothbrush motion with hand). Jack imitates this to a tee and Noah makes the ahhhhhhh sound. Noah can fight a bit on the actual reason we are brushing, which is not to eat the toothbrush, but it gets done.
Jack will let me brush every single tooth without issue (thank god) and loves to rinse !
We are working on the spitting out, but we aren't there yet. Oh well...small steps.
Eating.......well- let's just not go there right now.
The boys LOVE to be outside and I can't blame them for that. They got so little chance for it in Russia between the snow and all the rules of what they can and can't do. Besides, who the heck stands stuffed animals in the snow? and Why?
ok, ok, I'll stop. But they are playing with their outside wagons, picking up rocks, digging in the dirt and being generally boys.
When we do go the playground, the swings and the slides are their favorite parts. Mine too !
The stress is a lot. Some days are good, some are bad, some are better and some are worse. But we take them one day at a time and pray they will all get good soon.
Sadly there are a few people in our lives we have had to shut the door on because they are the ones that believe everything is fixed with "love". HA ! I was under that impression too, then I was struck into reality.
Love helps in nuture and nature, but it doesn't help PTSD, RAD, FAS, etc...and all the gamut of issues these children have been exposed to and have the potential for.
I pray that we keep collecting "good" memories, but I am very sad to have to "shut" people out of my life when a support network is the most important thing a person needs right now.
On another happy note, the boys are sleeping well at night. Very few "wake ups" and usually just for a few minutes. I do thinkk it helps that they are in their room together, although we did seperate them in bed now.
Jack kept waking Noah up for no reason. He felt "I'm awake, everyone should be awake.." and that method wasn't working, so Jack Jack got his own bed early.
Rain tomorrow and Friday, so we will have to find some indoor activities. I have removed 50% of their toys, in hopes that we can start to concentrate on a few things and play with them rather than throwing toys all over the house with no purpose. I guess we can try what the specialists say, which is to limit the toys.
Its hard when you have such radically different children at developmental stages who both need the same kind of care and attention. Its even harder with little support for you as a mom.
If you love some one unconditionally and with your whole heart, than you will do what is best for them not you.....
(That's what "love" is....not hugs and kisses.)
Bath Time is a blast...they love it. Noah was hesitant at first and now it's his favorite time. Jack thinks its fun and even hands me his hands and feet to wash. They especially love when I rinse by pouring the water over their heads !
Brushing our Teeth...or better known as ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (make toothbrush motion with hand). Jack imitates this to a tee and Noah makes the ahhhhhhh sound. Noah can fight a bit on the actual reason we are brushing, which is not to eat the toothbrush, but it gets done.
Jack will let me brush every single tooth without issue (thank god) and loves to rinse !
We are working on the spitting out, but we aren't there yet. Oh well...small steps.
Eating.......well- let's just not go there right now.
The boys LOVE to be outside and I can't blame them for that. They got so little chance for it in Russia between the snow and all the rules of what they can and can't do. Besides, who the heck stands stuffed animals in the snow? and Why?
ok, ok, I'll stop. But they are playing with their outside wagons, picking up rocks, digging in the dirt and being generally boys.
When we do go the playground, the swings and the slides are their favorite parts. Mine too !
The stress is a lot. Some days are good, some are bad, some are better and some are worse. But we take them one day at a time and pray they will all get good soon.
Sadly there are a few people in our lives we have had to shut the door on because they are the ones that believe everything is fixed with "love". HA ! I was under that impression too, then I was struck into reality.
Love helps in nuture and nature, but it doesn't help PTSD, RAD, FAS, etc...and all the gamut of issues these children have been exposed to and have the potential for.
I pray that we keep collecting "good" memories, but I am very sad to have to "shut" people out of my life when a support network is the most important thing a person needs right now.
On another happy note, the boys are sleeping well at night. Very few "wake ups" and usually just for a few minutes. I do thinkk it helps that they are in their room together, although we did seperate them in bed now.
Jack kept waking Noah up for no reason. He felt "I'm awake, everyone should be awake.." and that method wasn't working, so Jack Jack got his own bed early.
Rain tomorrow and Friday, so we will have to find some indoor activities. I have removed 50% of their toys, in hopes that we can start to concentrate on a few things and play with them rather than throwing toys all over the house with no purpose. I guess we can try what the specialists say, which is to limit the toys.
Its hard when you have such radically different children at developmental stages who both need the same kind of care and attention. Its even harder with little support for you as a mom.
If you love some one unconditionally and with your whole heart, than you will do what is best for them not you.....
(That's what "love" is....not hugs and kisses.)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Beware the Ides of March...........
I am up since 2:30am, battling strep throat and sadness. It was a tough few weeks with Noah's new hunger strike. I took the antibiotic and pain med with Codeine in it but the narcotic seems to have the adverse affect- here I am day 2 wide awake in the middle of the night !.....
So here we are, about 5- 6weeks into parenthood and being a family. Some things are going well - others not so much. But It is what we expected I suppose and we are trying to do what we can. Patience was never one of my strongest suits.
Noah, who came home as the best eater I have ever seen. Ate more than his brother and in some cases more than me also. A day after we returned from CHOP (just to give a timeline) Feb 18, he just stopped eating. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I have run the gamut of guilt, sadness and anger because the doctors are stressing how important it is for him to put on weight.
We went to his pediatrician and he gave him an antibiotic for an ear infection and some respiratory stuff- hoping in 2-3 days he would eat again and it was just that he didn't feel well. No Luck. HE said give it 2-3 days. He is subsiding on Ensure Plus (upgraded from Pediasure due to the extra calories). He will take a yogurt, 1/2 PC cheese, or some mashed Gerber fruit. That's it.
He was getting better wit the food hoarding in his mouth and now has regressed back to that again. He still does not like to chew anything (didn't from day one either).
I called CHOP in Mays Landing to get in with a GI, Nutrition Specialist and see where we can go from here.
I have researched eating disorders and it it sounds a lot life FAED "Food Avoidance Eating Disorder" and it stems from Depression or anxiety. Although I don't really see signs of depression, I can see some anxiety.
Just the anxiety of getting thru a meal is exhausting, sad and daunting for mom...I am sure it is for him too.
It's been hard. Jack has been eating - although with the occasional get in the mood not to. I really don't worry about the once or twice he doesn't want to eat, b/c over all he eats well. He is bonding well too, althought he still gets jealous when I show Noah attention. Sibling rivalry is gonna be expected though.
I am back to limited Grandparents visits. They are not following the rules and it is very upsetting. I cannot accept that they are just Old and Don't get it, and I won't accept it. Unfortunately they have to be banned from the home until they decided to "get it". The stress is really getting to me from outsiders and the judgers that think they know all about PI (Post Institutional) children b/c they popped out and raised a few bio kids of their own.
I feel very disrespected by those that won't abide or want to judge. They are a select few, but they are there none the less and when they are supposed to be close to you it hurts more. The disrepect is that I could not possibly know what I am talking about and that the books, therapists, and specialists have nothing to do with it.
This is a time where we APs are overwhelmed, questioning everything, trying to bond and be loved, trying to communicate, and trying to become a family. Some ignornant, uneducated, disrespectful people make comments about our methods, tactics, or rules are unwarranted, unwelcome and frankly just plain selfish and mean.
Comments from people who spend very little time with me or my boys, even though everyone was told they can come over just follow the rules....amazing how that group thinned out.
I have beat myself up mentally, I am emotionally and physically exhausted from trying every single method to get Noah to eat--seriously...NAME IT, I TRIED IT !!!
Over 2 Weeks......Researched every web site, talked to parents, talked to doctors, tried 1) Ignore 2) plead/ make 7 different foods 3) leave him in booster 4) rewards 5) remove rewards (punishment) 6) forced 7) back to ignore and give in. --AGAIN...name the method-- nothing. And for those who want to offer the advice for the 10th time...he hates McDonalds and won't drink Milkshakes either. Believe me I have tried even though I have been told 50x that it works...nothing. Jack Gobbled it - Noah could not be bothered.
So Joe and I are fairly convinced that this is why he is so small and underweight. We believe he did this in the Baby home as well, but they are obviously just gonna put in him the hospital when he gets sick (which he did many times) and not gonna spend $3 bottle on Ensure to get him to consume calories like we are trying to.
On Another note: He sleeps, He plays...No communication or even an attempt at a communication. Hoping the EI helps, should start soon (waiting for the therapists to schedule 1st appt. )
We also are joining a study group with U oF DE for INTL ADOPTEDS children. Called "Parent Infant Care Taker Project" Helps with Social/Emotional Developement and/or Cognitive/Lang. Development.
It takes about 4-5 mo to go thru the study and they come to our home. We hope it helps, we are willing to give anything a try because family support just is not here for us with regards to these issues.
This is really really difficult, and I hope and pray that this will pass to. Unfortunately I don't see it getting better anywhere, anytime soon. It's been since about Feb 18th now...like a SWITCH...BOOM......CLICK, stopped eating. He already is microcephalic and this is making it even worse, which stresses me out so much more.
Wish the Parenting Experts would read about his medicals and PI kids before giving more unsolicited advice that focuses mainly on "it must be you".
Thank you to all the AP that I know will respond and understand...and to my true friends that are there to simply support me and not judge me.
Glad I could get this off my chest and Please pray that this gets better and Noah decides he wants to eat someday, or al least drink 3 full Ensures a day without a battle.
To all the Parents that have never adopted a child internationally.........you don't know everything there is to know and NO--these are not just "normal" children that need to be treated as such. Again if you can't understand it then just respect it without judging.
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
So here we are, about 5- 6weeks into parenthood and being a family. Some things are going well - others not so much. But It is what we expected I suppose and we are trying to do what we can. Patience was never one of my strongest suits.
Noah, who came home as the best eater I have ever seen. Ate more than his brother and in some cases more than me also. A day after we returned from CHOP (just to give a timeline) Feb 18, he just stopped eating. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I have run the gamut of guilt, sadness and anger because the doctors are stressing how important it is for him to put on weight.
We went to his pediatrician and he gave him an antibiotic for an ear infection and some respiratory stuff- hoping in 2-3 days he would eat again and it was just that he didn't feel well. No Luck. HE said give it 2-3 days. He is subsiding on Ensure Plus (upgraded from Pediasure due to the extra calories). He will take a yogurt, 1/2 PC cheese, or some mashed Gerber fruit. That's it.
He was getting better wit the food hoarding in his mouth and now has regressed back to that again. He still does not like to chew anything (didn't from day one either).
I called CHOP in Mays Landing to get in with a GI, Nutrition Specialist and see where we can go from here.
I have researched eating disorders and it it sounds a lot life FAED "Food Avoidance Eating Disorder" and it stems from Depression or anxiety. Although I don't really see signs of depression, I can see some anxiety.
Just the anxiety of getting thru a meal is exhausting, sad and daunting for mom...I am sure it is for him too.
It's been hard. Jack has been eating - although with the occasional get in the mood not to. I really don't worry about the once or twice he doesn't want to eat, b/c over all he eats well. He is bonding well too, althought he still gets jealous when I show Noah attention. Sibling rivalry is gonna be expected though.
I am back to limited Grandparents visits. They are not following the rules and it is very upsetting. I cannot accept that they are just Old and Don't get it, and I won't accept it. Unfortunately they have to be banned from the home until they decided to "get it". The stress is really getting to me from outsiders and the judgers that think they know all about PI (Post Institutional) children b/c they popped out and raised a few bio kids of their own.
I feel very disrespected by those that won't abide or want to judge. They are a select few, but they are there none the less and when they are supposed to be close to you it hurts more. The disrepect is that I could not possibly know what I am talking about and that the books, therapists, and specialists have nothing to do with it.
This is a time where we APs are overwhelmed, questioning everything, trying to bond and be loved, trying to communicate, and trying to become a family. Some ignornant, uneducated, disrespectful people make comments about our methods, tactics, or rules are unwarranted, unwelcome and frankly just plain selfish and mean.
Comments from people who spend very little time with me or my boys, even though everyone was told they can come over just follow the rules....amazing how that group thinned out.
I have beat myself up mentally, I am emotionally and physically exhausted from trying every single method to get Noah to eat--seriously...NAME IT, I TRIED IT !!!
Over 2 Weeks......Researched every web site, talked to parents, talked to doctors, tried 1) Ignore 2) plead/ make 7 different foods 3) leave him in booster 4) rewards 5) remove rewards (punishment) 6) forced 7) back to ignore and give in. --AGAIN...name the method-- nothing. And for those who want to offer the advice for the 10th time...he hates McDonalds and won't drink Milkshakes either. Believe me I have tried even though I have been told 50x that it works...nothing. Jack Gobbled it - Noah could not be bothered.
So Joe and I are fairly convinced that this is why he is so small and underweight. We believe he did this in the Baby home as well, but they are obviously just gonna put in him the hospital when he gets sick (which he did many times) and not gonna spend $3 bottle on Ensure to get him to consume calories like we are trying to.
On Another note: He sleeps, He plays...No communication or even an attempt at a communication. Hoping the EI helps, should start soon (waiting for the therapists to schedule 1st appt. )
We also are joining a study group with U oF DE for INTL ADOPTEDS children. Called "Parent Infant Care Taker Project" Helps with Social/Emotional Developement and/or Cognitive/Lang. Development.
It takes about 4-5 mo to go thru the study and they come to our home. We hope it helps, we are willing to give anything a try because family support just is not here for us with regards to these issues.
This is really really difficult, and I hope and pray that this will pass to. Unfortunately I don't see it getting better anywhere, anytime soon. It's been since about Feb 18th now...like a SWITCH...BOOM......CLICK, stopped eating. He already is microcephalic and this is making it even worse, which stresses me out so much more.
Wish the Parenting Experts would read about his medicals and PI kids before giving more unsolicited advice that focuses mainly on "it must be you".
Thank you to all the AP that I know will respond and understand...and to my true friends that are there to simply support me and not judge me.
Glad I could get this off my chest and Please pray that this gets better and Noah decides he wants to eat someday, or al least drink 3 full Ensures a day without a battle.
To all the Parents that have never adopted a child internationally.........you don't know everything there is to know and NO--these are not just "normal" children that need to be treated as such. Again if you can't understand it then just respect it without judging.
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Evaluations.....and Criticisms !
After adoption every one seems to ask the same questions; would you do it again, who did you use, were you happy with the agency, why Russia etc.
Well here are a few evaluations of the entire process.
Russia is becoming more and more difficult to adopt from, this is sad because there are wonderful children there that need loving homes. Yekaterinburg, where we were assigned to is a nightmare with paperwork; and sadly the children are great, but agencies and parents shy away because of the expense and the wait time.
We used Frank Adoption Agency in Raleigh NC. They were very courteous and professional from start to finish. One thing about ALL agencies in the USA, remember --this is about money. Regardless what ANYONE actually says, it is still a business. That isn't a bad thing, just a fact thing.
The team in Yekaterinburg that worked with Frank was fantastic. Lydia, Olga and Yuri could not have been more professional, fun and loving. Irina and Olga the court translator and Rennie and Larissa were great people too. These were people that were from the baby home side that we worked with in court.
Moscow--well what can I say about Moscow...I didn't like it nor the team that was there.
After being stranded there for 4 days and the Moscow Frank team could have cared less. That was a very disheartening part. The team in Ekat would actually call me to check on me and see if we were OK, but the people in Moscow that worked for the same agency could not be bothered with our dilemma. That upset me that an agency would leave people stranded without any help in a foreign country.
The travel agency was not a big help either. For the fees that were charged I would have been better off doing the booking myself.
I am STILL trying to get a refund for unused tickets on Aeroflot and it cost us $3k to get home.
This left more bitterness in my heart for a country that I don't feel cares about its kids as much as they like to profess. If they cared, then get them OUT of the orphanage and into people's homes and stop worrying about parents medicals re done every 3 months. A waste of time and money and resources; that's the communist mentality not the majority mentality. It is all bureaucracy and money...don't let anything fool you that it isn't.
Frank int he states did their job as they were supposed to. I think they could have know the Russian side a little better, but that didn't make them bad by any means. They were honest and up front and always professional. I really cannot say that anything would have been better or worse with another agency.
Every other adoptive family I worked with seems to have some complaint about their agency, it's the nature of the business. It is a very emotional business for the client and a very business business for the agency.
1) Would I do it again?? : NEVER---I love my boys and I am very happy we received two children so they grow up with a sibling, but I give kudos to people that do this 3-4 times in Russia. I don't have that patience, money and tactfulness to do it once more and keep my mouth shut !
2) Were we happy with Frank Adoption Center: Overall, yes we were happy with Frank and IF we ever did it again would probably use them. I hope that they branch into other countries and areas soon because Russia is quickly becoming a sad reality for many families. The costs are skyrocketing, the wait times and the paperwork is getting worse and the demands are unrealistic for a lot.
3) Why Russia: Well, read my earlier posts for that one. But Here is the Reality about Russia---love me or hate for what I am about to say-- but it is my freedom.
It is where my boys were born and for that reason and only that reason I will show them respect. For what the court systems are doing to these 750,000 orphans in their country--for that they deserve no respect.
Although they are trying to expand foster care, which is a great idea in any country, the orphanages are still institutions and that is somewhere that children DO NOT belong. The whole thing about keeping them on the registry for 8 months before they can be adopted internationally---that needs to be ABOLISHED !
Children need OUT of these institutions and WHO CARES who takes them, as long as they are qualified and loving. The PRIDE has got to stop when it comes to caring for these babies !
If the issues these children have, that are so loud and blatant about Post Institutionalized children does not change it, then it is up to US as a society of civilized people to change it ! We care about freedom in Egypt, democracy in Iraq, rebuilding Haiti, but there are millions of orphans everywhere that want families and thousands of families that want children.....hello---this is NOT rocket science people !
We care about parental rights, country rights, but what about the Child's RIGHTS ??!! Don't they have rights too? A family, a home, siblings, an education. One mother I know in Italy has been waiting 17 months for a COURT DATE....this is unacceptable. Meanwhile, her adoptive son's issues could get worse and worse in an institution because of paperwork and a judge.
They want my children to keep their citizenship, well that will be up to my children. As far as I'm concerned, their country left them in an institution for 14 months too long. They were 11 months old when we got their paperwork and 25 months old when they got home to America.....Is this really really necessary????
I know I am ranting now......but I want people to know and this is the only way to tell the world that I know.
Many Adoptive parents are just so happy to be home, they let all the hurt and pain go. Well I cannot sit back and watch other families continue to suffer and wait because of misdirected pride !
Everyone made such a BIG HUGE deal over Artem, the 7 year that was sent back to Russia. Why aren't we making that SAME big deal over the tens of thousands of babies left there while families are waiting !!
OK-- I vented- that will be it for my evaluations and criticisms for now. The rest of this blog will be about
my boys and how great they are and how they are growing and learning everyday.
I thank you Frank Adoption and Yekaterinburg Russia for my children. They too will thank you some day for allow them the chance that they deserve !
“There are no unwanted children, just unfound families.”
– The National Adoption Center
Well here are a few evaluations of the entire process.
Russia is becoming more and more difficult to adopt from, this is sad because there are wonderful children there that need loving homes. Yekaterinburg, where we were assigned to is a nightmare with paperwork; and sadly the children are great, but agencies and parents shy away because of the expense and the wait time.
We used Frank Adoption Agency in Raleigh NC. They were very courteous and professional from start to finish. One thing about ALL agencies in the USA, remember --this is about money. Regardless what ANYONE actually says, it is still a business. That isn't a bad thing, just a fact thing.
The team in Yekaterinburg that worked with Frank was fantastic. Lydia, Olga and Yuri could not have been more professional, fun and loving. Irina and Olga the court translator and Rennie and Larissa were great people too. These were people that were from the baby home side that we worked with in court.
Moscow--well what can I say about Moscow...I didn't like it nor the team that was there.
After being stranded there for 4 days and the Moscow Frank team could have cared less. That was a very disheartening part. The team in Ekat would actually call me to check on me and see if we were OK, but the people in Moscow that worked for the same agency could not be bothered with our dilemma. That upset me that an agency would leave people stranded without any help in a foreign country.
The travel agency was not a big help either. For the fees that were charged I would have been better off doing the booking myself.
I am STILL trying to get a refund for unused tickets on Aeroflot and it cost us $3k to get home.
This left more bitterness in my heart for a country that I don't feel cares about its kids as much as they like to profess. If they cared, then get them OUT of the orphanage and into people's homes and stop worrying about parents medicals re done every 3 months. A waste of time and money and resources; that's the communist mentality not the majority mentality. It is all bureaucracy and money...don't let anything fool you that it isn't.
Frank int he states did their job as they were supposed to. I think they could have know the Russian side a little better, but that didn't make them bad by any means. They were honest and up front and always professional. I really cannot say that anything would have been better or worse with another agency.
Every other adoptive family I worked with seems to have some complaint about their agency, it's the nature of the business. It is a very emotional business for the client and a very business business for the agency.
1) Would I do it again?? : NEVER---I love my boys and I am very happy we received two children so they grow up with a sibling, but I give kudos to people that do this 3-4 times in Russia. I don't have that patience, money and tactfulness to do it once more and keep my mouth shut !
2) Were we happy with Frank Adoption Center: Overall, yes we were happy with Frank and IF we ever did it again would probably use them. I hope that they branch into other countries and areas soon because Russia is quickly becoming a sad reality for many families. The costs are skyrocketing, the wait times and the paperwork is getting worse and the demands are unrealistic for a lot.
3) Why Russia: Well, read my earlier posts for that one. But Here is the Reality about Russia---love me or hate for what I am about to say-- but it is my freedom.
It is where my boys were born and for that reason and only that reason I will show them respect. For what the court systems are doing to these 750,000 orphans in their country--for that they deserve no respect.
Although they are trying to expand foster care, which is a great idea in any country, the orphanages are still institutions and that is somewhere that children DO NOT belong. The whole thing about keeping them on the registry for 8 months before they can be adopted internationally---that needs to be ABOLISHED !
Children need OUT of these institutions and WHO CARES who takes them, as long as they are qualified and loving. The PRIDE has got to stop when it comes to caring for these babies !
If the issues these children have, that are so loud and blatant about Post Institutionalized children does not change it, then it is up to US as a society of civilized people to change it ! We care about freedom in Egypt, democracy in Iraq, rebuilding Haiti, but there are millions of orphans everywhere that want families and thousands of families that want children.....hello---this is NOT rocket science people !
We care about parental rights, country rights, but what about the Child's RIGHTS ??!! Don't they have rights too? A family, a home, siblings, an education. One mother I know in Italy has been waiting 17 months for a COURT DATE....this is unacceptable. Meanwhile, her adoptive son's issues could get worse and worse in an institution because of paperwork and a judge.
They want my children to keep their citizenship, well that will be up to my children. As far as I'm concerned, their country left them in an institution for 14 months too long. They were 11 months old when we got their paperwork and 25 months old when they got home to America.....Is this really really necessary????
I know I am ranting now......but I want people to know and this is the only way to tell the world that I know.
Many Adoptive parents are just so happy to be home, they let all the hurt and pain go. Well I cannot sit back and watch other families continue to suffer and wait because of misdirected pride !
Everyone made such a BIG HUGE deal over Artem, the 7 year that was sent back to Russia. Why aren't we making that SAME big deal over the tens of thousands of babies left there while families are waiting !!
OK-- I vented- that will be it for my evaluations and criticisms for now. The rest of this blog will be about
my boys and how great they are and how they are growing and learning everyday.
I thank you Frank Adoption and Yekaterinburg Russia for my children. They too will thank you some day for allow them the chance that they deserve !
“There are no unwanted children, just unfound families.”
– The National Adoption Center
From the mouth of babes..........
Hi Everyone ! Mama has been writing this blog for a long time, so we thought it was about time to give her a break and we would give you some of our thoughts and feelings !
First- wow, what a ride ! A big giant airplane and something we heard them call "business class"; whatever this business was, we liked it ! We lounged in our chairs, watched movies, slept, ate and played with all the people on the airplane. It was really neat ! We never realized that life outside our baby home was this exciting ! We stayed in hotels, flew to Moscow and ate in fancy restaurants ! We even took a quick trip to Red Square...not sure what that is, but it was cold !
Now here we are landing on what Mama is saying is US soil. Not sure what that means, but we are all smiling and Mama is crying with a smile on her face. She hugged us and said "You're Americans now babies !". I guess this is a great thing, we will find out soon enough !
A BIG black car picked us up and we drove to what Mama said was gonna be our home. We slept most of the way, we were exhausted ! When we finally arrived we stared wide eyed at these two BIG dogs that came and licked our entire faces ! Wow, We never saw such beasts that didn't want to eat us !
Then the hugs and kisses from all these new people. Someone named Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Kath and Bryce and Ray. Someday we will know who all these people are, but this night we were just exhausted !
Mama and Papa brought us to our new bedroom. Wow- It was nice, a BIG giant bed for us, a TV, a closet all our own and books and stuffed animals everywhere. Two Giant sea turtles stared down at us from a painting on the wall, that was neat too !
This has been a whirl wind of a week for us. We became Americans, we got a new home and now we are a family. This is all gonna take some figuring out on our part ! I know that we have each other as brothers, not sure what that means yet, but I know that we already are used to each other; even if we fight every now ad then.
Mama is showering us with kisses and hugs and Bath time is so much fun now !!
We will keep you posted on how we are doing, but here we are a month after we left Russia and so far so good. We like it here - even if there are rules to follow !
First- wow, what a ride ! A big giant airplane and something we heard them call "business class"; whatever this business was, we liked it ! We lounged in our chairs, watched movies, slept, ate and played with all the people on the airplane. It was really neat ! We never realized that life outside our baby home was this exciting ! We stayed in hotels, flew to Moscow and ate in fancy restaurants ! We even took a quick trip to Red Square...not sure what that is, but it was cold !
Now here we are landing on what Mama is saying is US soil. Not sure what that means, but we are all smiling and Mama is crying with a smile on her face. She hugged us and said "You're Americans now babies !". I guess this is a great thing, we will find out soon enough !
A BIG black car picked us up and we drove to what Mama said was gonna be our home. We slept most of the way, we were exhausted ! When we finally arrived we stared wide eyed at these two BIG dogs that came and licked our entire faces ! Wow, We never saw such beasts that didn't want to eat us !
Then the hugs and kisses from all these new people. Someone named Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Kath and Bryce and Ray. Someday we will know who all these people are, but this night we were just exhausted !
Mama and Papa brought us to our new bedroom. Wow- It was nice, a BIG giant bed for us, a TV, a closet all our own and books and stuffed animals everywhere. Two Giant sea turtles stared down at us from a painting on the wall, that was neat too !
This has been a whirl wind of a week for us. We became Americans, we got a new home and now we are a family. This is all gonna take some figuring out on our part ! I know that we have each other as brothers, not sure what that means yet, but I know that we already are used to each other; even if we fight every now ad then.
Mama is showering us with kisses and hugs and Bath time is so much fun now !!
We will keep you posted on how we are doing, but here we are a month after we left Russia and so far so good. We like it here - even if there are rules to follow !
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