Beware the Ides of March...........

I am up since 2:30am, battling strep throat and sadness.  It was a tough few weeks with Noah's new hunger strike.  I took the antibiotic and pain med with Codeine in it but the narcotic seems to have the adverse affect- here I am day 2 wide awake in the middle of the night !.....

So here we are, about 5- 6weeks into parenthood and being a family.  Some things are going well - others not so much.  But It is what we expected I suppose and we are trying to do what we can. Patience was never one of my strongest suits.

Noah, who came home as the best eater I have ever seen. Ate more than his brother and in some cases more than me also.  A day after we returned from CHOP (just to give a timeline) Feb 18, he just stopped eating. Nothing.  Nada. Zilch.  I have run the gamut of guilt, sadness and anger because the doctors are stressing how important it is for him to put on weight.
   We went to his pediatrician and he gave him an antibiotic for an ear infection and some respiratory stuff- hoping in 2-3 days he would eat again and it was just that he didn't feel well.  No Luck. HE said give it 2-3 days. He is subsiding on Ensure Plus (upgraded from Pediasure due to the extra calories).  He will take a yogurt, 1/2 PC cheese, or some mashed Gerber fruit.  That's it. 
   He was getting better wit the food hoarding in his mouth and now has regressed back to that again.  He still does not like to chew anything (didn't from day one either).
    I called CHOP in Mays Landing to get in with a GI, Nutrition Specialist and see where we can go from here.
I have researched eating disorders and it it sounds a lot life FAED "Food Avoidance Eating Disorder" and it stems from Depression or anxiety.  Although I don't really see signs of depression, I can see some anxiety. 
Just the anxiety of getting thru a meal is exhausting, sad and daunting for mom...I am sure it is for him too.

It's been hard.  Jack has been eating - although with the occasional get in the mood not to. I really don't worry about the once or twice he doesn't want to eat, b/c over all he eats well.  He is bonding well too, althought he still gets jealous when I show Noah attention. Sibling rivalry is gonna be expected though.

I am back to limited Grandparents visits. They are not following the rules and it is very upsetting.  I cannot accept that they are just Old and Don't get it, and I won't accept it.  Unfortunately they have to be banned from the home until they decided to "get it".   The stress is really getting to me from outsiders and the judgers that think they know all about PI (Post Institutional) children b/c they popped out and raised a few bio kids of their own.
I feel very disrespected by those that won't abide or want to judge.   They are a select few, but they are there none the less and when they are supposed to be close to you it hurts more.  The disrepect is that I could not possibly know what I am talking about and that the books, therapists, and specialists have nothing to do with it.

This is a time where we APs are overwhelmed, questioning everything, trying to bond and be loved, trying to communicate, and trying to become a family.  Some ignornant, uneducated, disrespectful people make comments about our methods, tactics, or rules are unwarranted, unwelcome and frankly just plain selfish and mean.

Comments from people who spend very little time with me or my boys, even though everyone was told they can come over just follow the rules....amazing how that group thinned out.

I have beat myself up mentally, I am emotionally and physically exhausted from trying every single method to get Noah to eat--seriously...NAME IT, I TRIED IT !!!

Over 2 Weeks......Researched every web site, talked to parents, talked to doctors, tried 1) Ignore 2) plead/ make 7 different foods  3) leave him in booster 4) rewards  5) remove rewards (punishment)  6) forced  7) back to ignore and give in. --AGAIN...name the method-- nothing.  And for those who want to offer the advice for the 10th time...he hates McDonalds and won't drink Milkshakes either. Believe me I have tried even though I have been told 50x that it works...nothing.   Jack Gobbled it - Noah could not be bothered.

   So Joe and I are fairly convinced that this is why he is so small and underweight.  We believe he did this in the Baby home as well, but they are obviously just gonna put in him the hospital when he gets sick (which he did many times) and not gonna spend $3 bottle on Ensure to get him to consume calories like we are trying to.
   On Another note: He sleeps, He plays...No communication or even an attempt at a communication.         Hoping the EI helps, should start soon (waiting for the therapists to schedule 1st appt. )

We also are joining a study group with U oF DE for INTL ADOPTEDS children.  Called "Parent Infant Care Taker Project"   Helps with Social/Emotional Developement and/or Cognitive/Lang. Development.
It takes about 4-5 mo to go thru the study and they come to our home.  We hope it helps, we are willing to give anything a try because family support just is not here for us with regards to these issues.

   This is really really difficult, and I hope and pray that this will pass to.  Unfortunately I don't see it getting better anywhere, anytime soon. It's been since about Feb 18th now...like a SWITCH...BOOM......CLICK, stopped eating.   He already is microcephalic and this is making it even worse, which stresses me out so much more.
     Wish the Parenting Experts would read about his medicals and PI kids before giving more unsolicited advice that focuses mainly on "it must be you".  

  Thank you to all the AP that I know will respond and understand...and to my true friends that are there to simply support me and not judge me. 

Glad I could get this off my chest and Please pray that this gets better and Noah decides he wants to eat someday, or al least drink 3 full Ensures a day without a battle.

To all the Parents that have never adopted a child internationally.........you don't know everything there is to know and NO--these are not just "normal" children that need to be treated as such.  Again if you can't understand it then just respect it without judging.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."



— Marilyn Monroe